This is utterly unscientific from about 4 to 52 angles so please stop reading if you’re inclined towards sanity.
Now, for the rest of us: this is a review of “Rocketfuel (self-heating) Black Coffee (Hot Energy Strong Black Coffee Powered by Guarana)”, see image for visual appreciation and deep scientific understanding of the issue at hand. Ok, so here’s the, erowid.org-style, personal trip report from the encounter:
Dose: 1 (oral) Rocketfuel Black Coffee (wet)
Body weight: 69 kilo (152lb or 11 stone)
First, before I begin, despite what may be deducted from the intro and everything else, this ALL HAPPENED TO A FRIEND and it is only for ease of writing that I have adopted a first person perspective to re-tell the daring tale of despair.
I first spot the much feared yet also tantalizing substance flaunted on display at a local news agent in the area. After the initial doubt over the slightly hefty price of £1.45 my curiosity gets the best of me (its coffee.. it HEATS ITSELF!) and I commence to pay for the drug with my girlfriend’s (named “Y” for anonymity in the rest of this report) money as I’m as always low on cash.
After calming myself down (by walking out of the store and thinking about a watermelon and listening to an psychedelic ambient music album by Shpongle) I promptly read the simple yet tantalizing instructions on the side of the jar: 1) “Click the base (once)” 2) Shake for 40 seconds 3) Drink (after opening). Because I’m largely fearless, and mildly retarded, I proceeded to press the base nearly 10 times to make sure it was more than ordinarily pressed and…
… immediately after I was transferred to another reality zone of complete appreciation in regards to just how well the self heating cup functioned as a hand-warmer; this effect is so strong that it was also commented on by Y who was my sitter throughout the trip [Erowid Note: always use a sitter when trying out dangerous/novel substances].
This is f*cking mind-blowing, the coffee just heated itself (at least mildly) and now I’m drinking it… ARGH, the issue is that it taste as if someone is forcefully injecting roughly one imperial gallon (yes that is 4.54609188 liters) of sewer waste into my gullet. The shock causes a strong onset of hallucinations involving small pixies dancing with metal boots in my groin while laughing hysterically. This hallucination however rapidly fades and gives way to swirling visions of me kicking the manufacturer of this coffee in the groin and then finally disappears.
16:05 (the come-down)
I now strongly need a toothbrush and industrial strength hydrogen peroxide to clean my mouth from the vile taste. The lingering taste even as I’m writing this reminds me exactly what sort of price one should be willing to pay for buying pre-manufactured self-heating coffee crap. As I wipe tears from my eyes due to the emotional impact of this trip I cannot help but wonder whether this experience will make me think twice next time. I think I learned my lesson, crac.. coffee isn’t for me, self-heating or not.